about over 11 years ago
I want to start writing again. I haven’t written in a while and sometimes I do not know exactly what to write. But I want to start documenting my everyday life. Not that I am important enough that someone would care to read a memoir about me. It’s a simple step for me not to forget. Not to forget my emotions. My experiences are all I have, they’re not fun that I can write a travel blog. They’re not delicious that I can show all the food pictures that I get. It’s been done by almost everyone anyways and writing another travel and lifestyle blog would be a waste. I want to write something raw. Something real. With all the pains and simple joys that one goes through. What stresses someone in an environment that is difficult with all the dirty secrets that they are hiding. All the lies that I have to stretch for people to like me. The person I have to try to be just for people to be my friend. I want to start now with all the pain I have gone through.
Family
My family is not perfect. My family has gone through a lot of stuff that you can put in draggy soap opera. First off I’m the youngest and of 5 siblings. Three of them are half-sisters, my mum was married before she and my dad got married. But I and my sisters are close, really close actually and I love my nephews and nieces! My sisters went through a lot. More so than I, I think my sisters went through more pain than I did. But I have constantly caught their pain making their pain my own. The pain that their dad is no longer with them. The pain that they had to be passed around from my mum to her brothers and sisters just so they can have a father figure. They had to be passed around as well because my mum didn’t have a lot of money. It was so hard for her to support 5 children being a housewife. My dad had a job sure but his money was just enough for me and my brother. We didn’t have a lot growing up. It was hard seeing my cousins go different places buying a lot of stuff we couldn’t afford but to be honest I never felt like we were poor. Until now actually, but everyone did. And that too is painful.
The most painful thing that happened when I was a kid was knowing things about my dad. Things that I never want anyone to experience. My dad almost leaving us. And finding out my dad almost reaped my sisters. I’m lucky my dad didn’t leave us but he might as well have. I was so young. And I was there the whole time he was cheating on my mum. I met his girlfriend, the kids and the husband of his girlfriend. I saw them touching each other and kissing and I cannot un-see it anymore. But he stayed. He loves my mum and even if I keep telling myself that I forgive him. I will never ever ever ever- forget it. Next thing that happened was finding out my dad almost raped my sisters. I was still in the process of loving my dad again after what he did and here is another thing that happened. I cried a million tears after that. For my sisters of course because I love them. And I could not imagine a man I love, a man whose blood runs through me doing such a monstrous act to my sisters who raised me, who took care of me. I was in pain. I was depressed but I didn’t want to show it. I got obsessed with working out in high school. I then became bulimic. Just to ease the pain. I drowned myself in such useless things. And I wouldn’t talk to anyone, I’d just lock myself in the room play really loud music and forget…
Drugs and Alcohol
I couldn’t wait to get out of the house after high school. I didn’t want to see my dad but I was scared to lose my mother. I “wilded out” in college. I did some stuff. A lot of stuff actually. I started smoking, I was 15 I think? And it was because I thought it was cool. That simple. I stared drinking, because everyone was doing it, so I guess it’s a normal thing to do. It didn’t matter to me. All the values I thought I had just crumbled. I started getting wasted once a month first and then once in 2 weeks and then once a week and then every day. I liked the high it brought. I liked laying in my bed staring at the ceiling seeing everything move. I felt like I was part of the world. I felt like I knew at that very moment how fast and how slow the earth was revolving around the sun. I was depressed. I was a good student then but that all was thrown out. I would go out and say yes to everyone. People I didn’t know, people in the streets even would just call me and give me a drink. I never said no! I didn’t care that they might drug me. I didn’t care that they might rape me and throw my body somewhere. I just wanted to get high! I wanted to be one with the universe and feel the earth…
Sexuality
I can’t explain this phase in my life. Was it really just a phase or is it really something that I am. Until now I still am trying to figure it out. I’m on a tight rope on a border convincing myself that this is right because people can and will accept me. But is being someone else with other people the right thing? Or will it ruin my relationship with my family. I know that some will say it is okay. But when I get MAN they will all be so relieved and that is the biggest lie that they will put me through. I don’t know where it all started, think this was always who I am. I remember back when I was younger I would have girl crushes but I never acted on it because I was also flirting with other boys. The most that I went through was I had a girl crush and I texted her every single day. I would imagine if I were a boy this is what I would do to her and more things that I only kept in the privacy of my imagination. The time I acted on it was because I saw that I was in an environment that accepted that culture. I remember exactly how it happened. And just thinking about it right now is making me laugh. Her name was Sarah. I was a freshman in college. She was my buddy, lunch buddy, block buddy, drinking and smoking buddy. She was always there. I slept over at her place even before I told her I liked her. I was texting her every single day not knowing what exactly I wanted to say. One day, I couldn’t contain it. We were tired from school and I invited her to just eat something and then go home. We were at the mall in one of the restricted areas where people still go to to have private conversations. We were eating corn even. And then I opened up, I started by saying I think I’m in love with someone but I don’t know if it’s just in my head because I’m always with this someone. Maybe this is just artificial love because of the made up things and our closeness. I knew she knew it was her. And I still told her even if I knew she had a girlfriend at that time. We were walking when I told her it was her. We were on our way home and I let her walk in front of me for a while before saying, “What if I told you it was you.” It was exciting for me. I was giddy all through out and then scared. I acted on something that I never was. And I did not feel any guilt or any shame of it. I was so extremely happy when I let it out. That’s when I figured “Yup, I’m be gay.” But it was a mess afterwards… Pain again and again…
Love
I was in relationships even before I became gay. But in that world I was in. That was the only time I felt LOVE. The real kind. Not that stupid puppy kind of love where you just say you are in love without knowing what love means. I felt true love for the very first time when I was 16. It was with Corinn, Sarah’s best friend. Sarah was cool and fun and sexy. She was my first. And I didn’t like the sex I had with her. But Corinn! She could do everything. She made me go crazy and it wasn’t just in my head. It was wild and steamy and full of passion. I cannot describe in exact words what she was or what she is. She was smart that’s what I liked most. She was passionate. Sarah was my world then but she was a bitch. She cheated on me multiple times and she was ashamed of me. I have no idea why. She even proposed an open relationship which I accepted just as long as she does not stray away from me. I was stupid like that then, I would do anything for her. But I met Corinn, we drank together. And the best nights of my life were with her. We started out as friends. We got along really quickly just because we drank a lot. And we read a lot too. We shared the same favorite book, The Little Prince. And we would quote everything on that book on most of our conversations. I liked that. We would get each other and get lost in conversation even if we were around other people. I didn’t like her then, as a friend yeah but as I partner, not at all. She was wild! Slept with more than 30 people and she was just 17. But it all changed one night when we were drinking in this guy’s place who I was sort of dating just to make Sarah jealous. I remember the date it is not hard to forget 8/8/8. The date we soon called infinity. We were lost again in conversation, and this random dude said “Hey, can we join your conversation.” And I don’t know why but she just said all of a sudden, “You know why, we talk like this and are not including you? Because we’re together.” And I went along with it. I went along with it so well that I was just all of a sudden on top of her, giving these boys a show. We started out wrong. We didn’t have sex that night but we couldn’t get enough of each other anymore because the next day she was at my apartment again and we just got naked and had sex, sober! I remember every single thing about her. I remember exactly how I felt when I was with her. I loved her. I love her. But I screwed it up because I was scared. I know who she was. And since I was graduating and she wasn’t I chickened out. I knew she would cheat on me over and over because we would be so far away from each other. But how would I know that for sure when I never even tried to make it work. I never gave US a shot. We were together 3 years and I still consider her my best friend. And if it were not for me being a coward, she would probably have graduated by now. She probably would have stopped drinking and doing drugs and screwing half of the city. But I messed up, I ruined her…
Life
I am at a lost with who I am, where I should be at this point in my life. With all the things that I have gone through, this isn’t even a lot compared to what other people have gone through. But pain demands to be felt. And whatever problem someone is going through it is theirs to bear. I do not know where I should go, what I should do. I have no idea I’m so lost at life. I tried to find happiness with God as I was raised a Catholic but I cannot feel joy in a being that I cannot see. I tried to find happiness through buying it but that would just be momentary
Family
My family is not perfect. My family has gone through a lot of stuff that you can put in draggy soap opera. First off I’m the youngest and of 5 siblings. Three of them are half-sisters, my mum was married before she and my dad got married. But I and my sisters are close, really close actually and I love my nephews and nieces! My sisters went through a lot. More so than I, I think my sisters went through more pain than I did. But I have constantly caught their pain making their pain my own. The pain that their dad is no longer with them. The pain that they had to be passed around from my mum to her brothers and sisters just so they can have a father figure. They had to be passed around as well because my mum didn’t have a lot of money. It was so hard for her to support 5 children being a housewife. My dad had a job sure but his money was just enough for me and my brother. We didn’t have a lot growing up. It was hard seeing my cousins go different places buying a lot of stuff we couldn’t afford but to be honest I never felt like we were poor. Until now actually, but everyone did. And that too is painful.
The most painful thing that happened when I was a kid was knowing things about my dad. Things that I never want anyone to experience. My dad almost leaving us. And finding out my dad almost reaped my sisters. I’m lucky my dad didn’t leave us but he might as well have. I was so young. And I was there the whole time he was cheating on my mum. I met his girlfriend, the kids and the husband of his girlfriend. I saw them touching each other and kissing and I cannot un-see it anymore. But he stayed. He loves my mum and even if I keep telling myself that I forgive him. I will never ever ever ever- forget it. Next thing that happened was finding out my dad almost raped my sisters. I was still in the process of loving my dad again after what he did and here is another thing that happened. I cried a million tears after that. For my sisters of course because I love them. And I could not imagine a man I love, a man whose blood runs through me doing such a monstrous act to my sisters who raised me, who took care of me. I was in pain. I was depressed but I didn’t want to show it. I got obsessed with working out in high school. I then became bulimic. Just to ease the pain. I drowned myself in such useless things. And I wouldn’t talk to anyone, I’d just lock myself in the room play really loud music and forget…
Drugs and Alcohol
I couldn’t wait to get out of the house after high school. I didn’t want to see my dad but I was scared to lose my mother. I “wilded out” in college. I did some stuff. A lot of stuff actually. I started smoking, I was 15 I think? And it was because I thought it was cool. That simple. I stared drinking, because everyone was doing it, so I guess it’s a normal thing to do. It didn’t matter to me. All the values I thought I had just crumbled. I started getting wasted once a month first and then once in 2 weeks and then once a week and then every day. I liked the high it brought. I liked laying in my bed staring at the ceiling seeing everything move. I felt like I was part of the world. I felt like I knew at that very moment how fast and how slow the earth was revolving around the sun. I was depressed. I was a good student then but that all was thrown out. I would go out and say yes to everyone. People I didn’t know, people in the streets even would just call me and give me a drink. I never said no! I didn’t care that they might drug me. I didn’t care that they might rape me and throw my body somewhere. I just wanted to get high! I wanted to be one with the universe and feel the earth…
Sexuality
I can’t explain this phase in my life. Was it really just a phase or is it really something that I am. Until now I still am trying to figure it out. I’m on a tight rope on a border convincing myself that this is right because people can and will accept me. But is being someone else with other people the right thing? Or will it ruin my relationship with my family. I know that some will say it is okay. But when I get MAN they will all be so relieved and that is the biggest lie that they will put me through. I don’t know where it all started, think this was always who I am. I remember back when I was younger I would have girl crushes but I never acted on it because I was also flirting with other boys. The most that I went through was I had a girl crush and I texted her every single day. I would imagine if I were a boy this is what I would do to her and more things that I only kept in the privacy of my imagination. The time I acted on it was because I saw that I was in an environment that accepted that culture. I remember exactly how it happened. And just thinking about it right now is making me laugh. Her name was Sarah. I was a freshman in college. She was my buddy, lunch buddy, block buddy, drinking and smoking buddy. She was always there. I slept over at her place even before I told her I liked her. I was texting her every single day not knowing what exactly I wanted to say. One day, I couldn’t contain it. We were tired from school and I invited her to just eat something and then go home. We were at the mall in one of the restricted areas where people still go to to have private conversations. We were eating corn even. And then I opened up, I started by saying I think I’m in love with someone but I don’t know if it’s just in my head because I’m always with this someone. Maybe this is just artificial love because of the made up things and our closeness. I knew she knew it was her. And I still told her even if I knew she had a girlfriend at that time. We were walking when I told her it was her. We were on our way home and I let her walk in front of me for a while before saying, “What if I told you it was you.” It was exciting for me. I was giddy all through out and then scared. I acted on something that I never was. And I did not feel any guilt or any shame of it. I was so extremely happy when I let it out. That’s when I figured “Yup, I’m be gay.” But it was a mess afterwards… Pain again and again…
Love
I was in relationships even before I became gay. But in that world I was in. That was the only time I felt LOVE. The real kind. Not that stupid puppy kind of love where you just say you are in love without knowing what love means. I felt true love for the very first time when I was 16. It was with Corinn, Sarah’s best friend. Sarah was cool and fun and sexy. She was my first. And I didn’t like the sex I had with her. But Corinn! She could do everything. She made me go crazy and it wasn’t just in my head. It was wild and steamy and full of passion. I cannot describe in exact words what she was or what she is. She was smart that’s what I liked most. She was passionate. Sarah was my world then but she was a bitch. She cheated on me multiple times and she was ashamed of me. I have no idea why. She even proposed an open relationship which I accepted just as long as she does not stray away from me. I was stupid like that then, I would do anything for her. But I met Corinn, we drank together. And the best nights of my life were with her. We started out as friends. We got along really quickly just because we drank a lot. And we read a lot too. We shared the same favorite book, The Little Prince. And we would quote everything on that book on most of our conversations. I liked that. We would get each other and get lost in conversation even if we were around other people. I didn’t like her then, as a friend yeah but as I partner, not at all. She was wild! Slept with more than 30 people and she was just 17. But it all changed one night when we were drinking in this guy’s place who I was sort of dating just to make Sarah jealous. I remember the date it is not hard to forget 8/8/8. The date we soon called infinity. We were lost again in conversation, and this random dude said “Hey, can we join your conversation.” And I don’t know why but she just said all of a sudden, “You know why, we talk like this and are not including you? Because we’re together.” And I went along with it. I went along with it so well that I was just all of a sudden on top of her, giving these boys a show. We started out wrong. We didn’t have sex that night but we couldn’t get enough of each other anymore because the next day she was at my apartment again and we just got naked and had sex, sober! I remember every single thing about her. I remember exactly how I felt when I was with her. I loved her. I love her. But I screwed it up because I was scared. I know who she was. And since I was graduating and she wasn’t I chickened out. I knew she would cheat on me over and over because we would be so far away from each other. But how would I know that for sure when I never even tried to make it work. I never gave US a shot. We were together 3 years and I still consider her my best friend. And if it were not for me being a coward, she would probably have graduated by now. She probably would have stopped drinking and doing drugs and screwing half of the city. But I messed up, I ruined her…
Life
I am at a lost with who I am, where I should be at this point in my life. With all the things that I have gone through, this isn’t even a lot compared to what other people have gone through. But pain demands to be felt. And whatever problem someone is going through it is theirs to bear. I do not know where I should go, what I should do. I have no idea I’m so lost at life. I tried to find happiness with God as I was raised a Catholic but I cannot feel joy in a being that I cannot see. I tried to find happiness through buying it but that would just be momentary
