went to blackout wednesday with hannah, sammie, urs, james, and nick bat. saw julianna, julia, fuckin brittany from pcc, nick, harper, matt e…and then morgan. hannah pointed her out to me first. she looked a lot more adult than the last time i saw her. july 2017. we avoided each other for most of the night but i ended up poking her at the bar. we had some shitty small talk, an awkward hug. she asked about the strike and shit. she’s in saint louis of all places. she’s not in the medical field anymore but i honestly can’t remember what she said. i asked if i could ask the obvious, and i did. “why did you do it?” and she kinda stumbled around it. maybe she was drunk. “it was like…every 24 hours…i tried to ease out of it.” everything except telling me my 19 year old self was clingy. i told her she fucked me up. she told me it was on her. she looked so small to me. so insignificant. it’s hard to imagine the amount of therapy “easing out of it” cost me. but i said what i needed to say. i almost plugged the albums. but i told her i hope she has a good one, and we hugged. and held it. she was not a god. she was a human. and i finally let her go. no one who sees this memory will remember any of it, but i do. i remember every day.