why am I always the one left out of any and every experience, any good emotion, any semblance of freedom or love. I hate being ignored. why do I ignore everyone. I hate talking so much, all the time. why do I talk like it’ll keep me from death and erase all my trauma. like it’ll keep dad alive and my mind & body untouched. | “I am the deer I killed” poems in the car. it was meant to be comforting in a way. I love the dark trees and the rain. I still can’t believe I have an autoimmune disease and haven’t been vaccinated. mom always tends to humiliate me one way or another. | I miss the words I’ve never said to him. I see him irl for the first time this weekend and I’m scared out of my mind. what if I ruin something, somehow, in some way? I feel like it’s inevitable. it’s gonna be weird seeing him with a physical, 3D body and actually being able to be in his presence & touch him. I hope it’ll be a good visit. I hope I don’t get robbed at the sketchy two-story hotel his mom booked for us. it reminds me of that one hotel we stayed at for aunt dawn’s friends’ gay wedding, and how we stayed up in the room all night and played board games. and I ate so many store-bought chocolate chip cookies that sadie took it upon herself to hide them from me. bitch. anyways, | the nights feel so lonely without prayer. I don’t really even have faith anymore and I don’t know if I want to. the word reminds me of Epic. plus what if it leaves me again. I can’t deal with another abandonment. all of this is overwhelming in the worst way possible. | I miss the soft glow of the moon outside my window and the stuffy summer nights and the rhythmic tap of the ceiling fan and watching the driveway intently from my bed to know when mom came home. I miss dad’s scratchy back rubs and having way too much energy at night. where did I go, who have I become. I’m sorry dad