4th post by MM: Oh my, there are so many posts now :) these days have been dreary, I spend most days on my phone, always occupied by the new notification that pops up, the feed I need to scroll through on Facebook and Instagram, the person I feel the need to check out, the news that piqued my interest, the many other things I need to explore and see. I used to think that going out would be a waste of time, when I can be working on the schoolwork that I'm behind in. But I realised the bitter truth on these weekends that I waste time regardless by being occupied on my phone or the computer. It's a sorry excuse for my being behind in work. But I can't find motivation. It's frustrating to settle down and attempt to work when I get tired, sleepy, and just generally not bothered to continue. It's like my body just resists doing whatever I don't like to do. I discovered this, that if I suddenly think of something I really want to do, a 'treat', like playing a super fun game, or settling down in bed for a movie, or sketching something great, I'd perk up immediately, have the haze leave my mind, temporarily alert and interested. But I'd always fall back into the trap of what I have to do. Reality versus fantasy. For the past month, I've been living each day feeling like one day I'd find what I need to do, to snap out of the current mundane schedule and do what I would love to do. I have a foreboding, gradual sense that I'm nearing that climax, the time when my life would be spun off its axis as I realise, perceive the world, and the reason for my existence within. Maybe I would be able to finally find where I fit in this. Or perhaps I'd never know. I am fed up of being at a loss, the anxiety and fear for my future, and what would become of me. I think this feeling of nearing that revelation could be false however; purely wishful thinking. It's not some third sense or prediction that I possess to be able to 'sense' that day of great revelation. I scrolled down to oct 27th too after seeing that appreciative writer exclaim over how it had inspired her. It's quite a motivational, powerful post. Everyone perhaps feel the need for change, I did too, several times in my life, but as usual, that motivation for change, for something fresh and new in our life is unable to be maintained long enough for most. Quoting Arthur Golden, '... Our world is no more permanent than a wave rising in the ocean. Whatever our struggles or triumphs, however we may suffer them, all too soon they bleed into a wash, just like watery ink on paper.' And I didn't mean for this to sound depressing, or for it to suggest that our attempts for change is futile, I'm just being bluntly honest here. Not many get to live the way they want. Perhaps this bitter truth is enough to crush your already weak willed hope. And I'm quite certain, that if you had possessed a substantial amount of desire for change it would have been reduced now. This is the weakness of emotion, the ability to feel, to adapt unconsciously to the things with meaning around us. Meaning is subjective and constructed upon symbols, and it is this fragile, impalpable understanding of everything about and around us that makes us slaves to our destructive emotions. Whereas those with better resistance against emotional and unconscious responses to meaning maintain better and well practiced control over the transparency of their life and goals. Well, life is about willpower, effort and determination. Tonight I'm feeling tired, maybe another day, after many nights of restlessness and boredom I'd perhaps be determined to strive for some purported life goal of mine. Not today. 3664. /update: just read my first entry. Wow, my words rambled together and I struggled to understand my hyperactive train of thoughts. I barely used full stops. Id be complaining about one thing and it'd lead to something else and so on. I was also so callous with my words and really disregarded everything. I sound nosy, haughty and highly judgemental. I cringe at that first post. 4109