What do I want to remember, you ask? Nothing. I generally don't care to remember unless I am wallowing in self loathing, regret, too vivid recollection of what I lost, helpless to ever have that light shine on me again, horror at my behavior, baffled at the monster I turned into. I made myself replay those memories after I stopped running. After my decent into the death spiral. While I was circling the drain and needing that extra weight so that I could get on with it and drown.