One hundred memories later. I don't know if this is my last entry. I like having this safe place to speak unsolicited truths and hurts and heals and thoughts and feels. There's something calming about it. Maybe it's because in this little way I can speak to you without fear of causing damage. I can express my pain with out you being collateral. I like that. I don't want to hurt you. I just want to be able to breathe and feel the highs of joy again. Some moments pull me from the pain long enough to remember that I will in fact move on. But lately it's just one reminder after another. I don't know. I never thought I'd be in this place. I never made a plan B because I believed in plan A and to have to create a plan B means you have doubts in plan A. I never doubted you. I never imagined not loving you with all of my being. That was never an option. You were always everything I wanted. Maybe that's where I went wrong. I don't know. I want you to love me like you used to. I want to love you like I used to. That will likely never be the case. And now I am forced to accept that. Fuck. That is a depressing way to end the night. If there are any other heart broken souls out there, you are not alone. It feels like it. I know. I am right there with you. Take heart. We will be okay. Not today, but soon. Just as the mind was made with neuroplasticity built in (a.k.a the ability to learn and grow infinitely), our hearts are resilient and capable of surviving great traumas, stitching up deep wounds and fighting on with more strength than before. You are capable of loving again. Love is never wasted. Misguided? Yes, but no love given is ever wasted. If you loved completely, rest assured that when your human comes along, the one that loves you endlessly, you will be ready. Keep hoping. Keep fighting. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. Speak it until you believe it.