I skipped church today. I don't know why. I wish I would've went. But I also just feel like why? Why should I? I walked to grocery store and passed by a spanish church during what must've been their praise and worship and I almost walked in but I couldn't. I didn't think I would belong and see, I feel as though I would have all eyes on me. These things never once mattered so much to me.. especially not on the topic of church... But lately they do. See, I know that I'm not living right and I feel that I've lost my hope. I'm not in touch with myself because I've lost who I've built myself up to be by a disastrous love. A love that has completely destroyed the foundational fabric of everything that I am. I no longer feel so independent so much as dependent upon the actions and life of the one my heart belongs to. My mind is full of him. I want this plague to cease. I wonder if this is what love does to a person. I wonder if love was meant to break you down and make you question everything you stand for. I wonder if love was meant to feel like prison. There was once I distinct pride I carried within my bosom. A pride that stemmed from knowing how pure I was and how set apart I had allowed myself to become simply because of the discipline I had. I don't want to have to get to the place I was at to be able to be reborn into a new dimension of the greater self that is within me. Is that what it's going to take? And can love really dictate so much of me? THIS much of me? I just want the life lesson I'm supposed to be learning from all this to surface once and for all. I feel internally distraught. I am worthless. But I will not be that way forever.