Was tripping this lovely day well no late night into early morning... Chad went to shower and I got totally lost in my trip everything was upside down is all I could remember like my feet could not find the ground and I was our everything apps me was actually crooked... Oh dear. I remember practically drooling literally trying to compose myself..got lost in my phone trying to expand on something interesting.. Just got lost and was OK with that.-- i try to focus on why I am still here why I ever ended up here or if it's every where I wanted to be after I actually figured you out. Part of me still loves the lie u let me fall in love with -&still I wanna have hope you are really that damaged sad hurt childhood Brat that grew up or never grew up rather and just haven't ever had anyone love you like u deserved...except me-& you refuse to let me - and I realize you aren't this poor kid or to be pitied at all...bc I loved who u could be and you did nothing but break destroy kill hurt and almost defeated every ounce of hope and heart I had left in me...not the outcome I envisioned from our Jonestown talks... Just the opposite. No love no joy just pain and hate hurt and resent.. And why? No happy ending in sight just bitter infinity of ur selfish ways no compromise -and the only change was me -and I realize now I never wanted to change I ALSO was OK with me -actually im more dissatisfied with the me I've become since I've been with you and your ways of what I should and need to be -is not me -not my happy spot -not ok -&idk wtf makes me stay bc hope is honestly lay for awhile now bc I can't change someone who is Ok with the shitty soul you are.... I also am not ok calling someone with such evil vindictive ways and morals my other half bc or makes me Ill thinking how shitty you have been to me and so many others