today, I almost finished a book, the first time in years. It’s about a girl with cancer who passed away in 2001. diagnosed in may , gone by october . I’m coming to grips with my mortality, or my life, or I don’t know, maybe even my grandma’s death from a very different cancer…, but cancer nonetheless. I am learning from Adrienne that it’s okay to have a billion interests. It matters that you act on some. Life is precious and very volatile. / I have to choose between being a good bridesmaid or being a good granddaughter on May 7th. Really it’s the choice of honoring my grieving process at the cost of other important things, life oriented things. A memorial is a memorial even if it’s two years late, right??? Stephen will play guitar + sing + I’ll be hit with that strange feeling that she would be delighted specially about him doing this, that flavor of memory surrounding their relationship that never actually -happened-. Ships passing. & yet I can see Grandma Kay’s love + excitement about him clear as day. I wonder what GK would think about waiting 23 months to have her “party”. ||||| Death is as much a part of life as life is a part of life. Almost ripped some hair out today ‘bout it though. ////// in the morning, I threw my phone on the ground because of a classic “conversation” my dad and I had over gmail. just when I think his reason and brilliance is unignorable, he says some off the wall shit that makes me feel insane + small