Gram and I ran a bunch of errands. She thinks I have road rage but I don't yell or cuss. I just say things like "it's been green for a while lets go". We are at whataburger. I went out without makeup for the first time in a while and a lady told me I was pretty. I'm starting to break out bc of stress. Ughh first the hair and the insomnia now this. Luckily I've been able to sleep lately. I saw this cute little thing at hallmark I want to get for misty. It has a platform and an Apple made out of like jewels and it says "you've helped me grow" on it or something like that but I didn't bring my wallet and gram wouldn't get it. I still don't know what to get Kailey or Kennedy for Christmas. I have somewhat of an idea for Chloe... I get worried about Christmas shopping because I'm afraid I'm going to forget someone and they'll get their feelings hurt. My hair has gotten so long. I love it. I want to dye it rainbow colors sooo badly but I am STILL getting shit about going blonde even though this wasn't as light as I was going to go. I wrapped Christmas presents. I found the gift I had originally gotten misty. I feel like I need to give her something else too. She's made such an impact on my life. Before high school I would've never imagined getting into photography or filmography! Kailey won't tell me what she wants. Ugh neither will Kenny. I suck at presents and I'm gonna end up getting them shitty things ughhhh. The dogs are so cute in their sweaters. Saw a commercial for Diet Coke and thought about Madison warden. I can't believe they did that to me. I try not to be selfish but wow I do so much for them. It really sucks because we had so much in common but I need to remove negativity. I'm glad I have Kailey. Don't know what I'd do without her. Wow I've been writing a lot lately. Probably to compensate for my hiatus. Mom is upset about gramp's guns.. I think it's because of me.. Little does she know I wouldn't kill myself like that, I know how I would. I'm not going to. I don't want to die. I love Kailey too much and I don't want to put her through that. Gram wants to watch dancing with the stars but I don't like to watch it. I told her I don't like it bc it's boring but it's really bc I miss dancing. Idk it's stupid. I can't dance again. It's too late for me. I'm too old... I'm in love with the lyric "her halo turned into a noose" from Indian summer. Not the brooks and Dunn version. Music is becoming a big part of my life again. Especially twenty øne piløts. I'm trying to heal and Tyler and josh understand, it seems. I wish I could see them in concert. Wish I could've seen marina. I am still absolutely heartbroken. Marina is the one person who has been there through it all. I cried about it the other night. It feels so childish but she means so much to me. God I'm pathetic. Wow I wrote a lot. I guess I'm writing because I have nothing better to do and I missed this. I like venting. I do it a lot especially with Kailey and I probably bother her. Wow I'm sure I do. I still don't know how someone like her could love someone like me... I love her so much. I found my favorite pair of leggings! The VS ones with sequins on the side. I have been looking FOREVER for them!!